FUCK YOU CALGARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Warning: Language, if you can’t tell from the title. If strong language offends you then read this post instead. If you email me or comment to complain about this post note that I do not care, and will change nothing. Thanks.
Fuck this city.
That’s what I say whenever I go to Calgary, something I hadn’t done in almost 5 years. Calgary is the largest city in Alberta per capita, and Edmonton is the capital city of Alberta. This started a rivalry between the two cities that continues to this day in all matters, including sports. As someone who was born in Edmonton and spent most of her life in and around the greater Edmonton area (aside from two years in Ireland) when it comes to sports we like to say ABC – Anyone But Calgary.
I don’t just say “Fuck this City” when I’m in Calgary because of sports. I don’t have a huge interest in sports and only vaguely follow along with the local teams (ABC all the way though). Before I go on a tirade about how shitty Calgary is maybe I should say a few nice things about the city.
Some Things I Like About Calgary
You’re much closer to the Rocky Mountains than Edmonton, which I am a bit jealous of (even though I hardly go to the mountains).
When it’s clear out you can see the mountains and that’s pretty cool. If it’s a bit overcast and you’re not from Calgary you might see clouds on the horizon and mistake them for mountains. They’re likely just clouds. Fuck you Calgary for having clouds that look like mountains way out the distance sometimes.
You get a lot of sunlight annually, the most for any city in Canada I believe. Alberta is a pretty sunny province and so Edmonton gets quite a bit of sunshine too. Calgary gets some accolades for being sunny, especially in winter.
You gave us Tegan and Sara. Thanks for that. There might be other famous people that you like who are from Calgary that I didn’t just mention. That’s cool. However; if you’re thinking of famous people born in Calgary and your top choice is Ted Cruz you get no points, and also go to therapy.
As a white kid growing up in a Canadian suburban environment in the 90s I thought ginger beef was some authentic Chinese dish. No, it was invented in Calgary, but it’s still delicious.
Caesar’s were also invented in Calgary. Caesar’s aren’t my favourite, but if you’re comparing a Caesar to a Bloody Mary then Caesar’s are better (though the name Bloody Mary is more bad ass).
Your downtown is pretty decent (least the areas I’ve been around) and always seems to be pretty clean. And there are cute neighbourhoods like Kensington that are fun to wander around in.
The Bow River is gorgeous and a beautiful blue colour that the North Saskatchewan in Edmonton doesn’t get. Explaining the science of it will make my brain hurt too much, so just look it up. You’re an adult, and if you’re not an adult don’t read this. Go read Anne of Green Gables or something else wholesome. It’s much better than this garbage, which is not appropriate for anyone at any time.
I try not to promote zoos too much as there are some badly run ones that are pretty awful to the animals there, but Calgary has a pretty decent zoo. They also do some cool conversation projects like saving some endangered western Canadian species. That’s hella tight.
I know some good people who live in Calgary. I’m not saying everyone in Calgary is good people, but there are good people there.
You also have some bomb ass restaurants. When we were in Calgary in May my friends and I went to Boogies Burgers and Dairy Lane Cafe, which I really enjoyed, but I know there are a lot more great restaurants in Calgary.
Finally, on my last trip to Calgary I went to the National Music Centre that’s downtown and it’s an awesome museum to check out. Highly recommend.
Now grab your favourite plushie, squish mellow, body pillow, stuffed toy, or life-size cardboard celebrity cutout that comforts you the most as we get into the negatives about Calgary.
Some Things I Hate About Calgary
Your street system is infuriating to me. First all, the quadrant thing is dumb. It’s super confusing when the GPS tells you to turn left at 1 Ave northnorthwest. Am I having a stroke? Have I forgot how to understand the English Language? You’re gaslighting me into thinking I have hearing problems. And I probably messed up that fake example and 1 Ave doesn’t go northwest but only southeast west or some shit, but I don’t care because I’m too angry at always getting lost in your city.
In Edmonton navigating is easy. Streets run north-south. The higher the street number the further west you are. Avenues run east-west and the further north the avenue number the further north you are. So 87 Ave and 170 Street is further north and west than 51 Avenue and 111 Street. These streets correspond to two Edmonton Shopping Malls. If you know which ones they are call the number on your screen and lock in your answer now.
Technically there are quadrants in Edmonton, but like 90% of the city is NW. Unless you’re trying to find someone’s house in the Chappelle neighbourhood you’re likely good.
Seriously Fuck You Calgary because I always get lost when visiting you. This past March using the brand new navigation in my friend’s brand new car we still got lost. There was one point where I was trying to turn onto 16 Ave (this is the road that turns into the TransCanada highway, which is a major highway in Canada) and there were no signs to tell me where to go. How!?
If you’re driving downtown it’s more stupid because so many streets are one-way. And there’s also construction all the time downtown, or anywhere else I need to be. I’m starting to feel like you hate me Calgary. Like fuck you for doing that. Sure Edmonton has several one-way streets and construction all the time downtown too, but Calgary is worse for a reason that is chock full of personal bias. Calgary also started it first because the city is much older than me. They should have known I wasn’t going to like this, and changed their street system and confusing one-way streets downtown when I was born.
Chinooks. These are a type of wind that comes in from the west to southern Alberta warming up the air relatively quickly. There have been times in winter where it’s -10°C (14°F) in Edmonton, but a chinook hits Calgary and it’s +10°C (50°F). Fuck you Calgary for being warmer some days in the winter when it’s freezing cold where I am. Winter is way too long, so to get some temporarily relief now and then from the freezing temperatures would be great. However; I also know Chinooks can give you a headache, so fuck you Calgary for giving me headaches when I visit you. If you’re going to warm the air up when I visit at least have the common courtesy not to give me a headache.
When I was in Calgary in May I had a horrible headache all weekend, which I thought was maybe due to the lingering of a cold (that I had the week before). There wasn’t a Chinook, but talking to my friends they mentioned the pressure change. Calgary has the highest elevation for any major city in Canada at 1045m or 3428ft (Edmonton’s elevation is 645m or 2116ft). Fuck you Calgary for being at a different elevation that gives me a headache.
I’d also like to point out the asshole drivers in Calgary, but I think that’s a tie cause there are a lot of asshole drivers in Edmonton too. But yeah sorry I’m not doing 140km/hour on Deerfoot Trail Calgary (for reference the speed limit on that road I believe is 110km/h).
Things are quite a bit more expensive that in Edmonton, or it feels like it. Gas is for sure. Fuck you Calgary for making me pay more money for gas when I visit you.
In conclusion FUCK YOU CALGARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, all 52 exclamation marks are warranted.
I’ll be back to visit you at some point Calgary. Please change your street system, one-way streets downtown, construction, weather conditions, elevation, and more expensive gas prices than Edmonton.
Things To Know
This post is all in fun (mostly) although I do hate the street system in Calgary and I always get lost when I’m there, which is a tad frustrating. If you’re visiting Calgary you can book your hotel here.
Have you visited Calgary? Do you always get lost there like I do?