This Fucking Hurts

TW: Death, Loss, Grief.

This was not something I ever thought I’d have to write. A friend of mine passed away pretty unexpectedly a few days ago. To say I’m devastated is an understatement. Amanda was the friend I knew the longest; we met when we were Kindergarten. We grew up together. We went to school together (elementary, junior, and high school). We partied together (“back in the day” as I’ll call it). We worked together in a couple of jobs. We were roommates for a few years (platonic only, despite the rumors around work we were “more than friends”). We travelled together several times. Many experiences I’ve had in my life, and many of the people I’ve met are either directly or indirectly related to my relationship with Amanda.

Amanda was a spitfire. A busy bee. A ball of combustible energy always on the move. Even as kids it was go go go to ride our bikes everywhere, often to the pet store on Main Street (cause she loved animals). One time when we were kids and bored we decided to go trick or treating on a random day in September. With our makeshift costumes she wore a pink bathrobe, tiara, and held a fairy wand. I had on a blue bathrobe, cowboy/person hat, and was holding an original Nintendo gun (yes with the cord). Somehow, despite looking utterly ridiculous and it not being Halloween we actually got candy. We were thrilled. I wish I had a photo of that day (this was back in the 90s long before social media and daily selfies). Still, it’s a memory I’ll never to forget. I have so many weird and wonderful memories of our time together.

Aside from just being alone (introvert af here) or members of my immediate family Amanda was probably the person I spent the most time with. She was funny, fierce, a fighter; she didn’t back down from whatever she believed in. She could be generous, sometimes to her own detriment, and if she cared for you it was with her whole heart. She called me Ouisie and always believed in me, and I in her.

I don’t want to give the impression my friend was a some kind of saint (she wouldn’t want to be thought of that way). She was flawed, messy, and went through some real hard times. She wasn’t perfect, and neither was our friendship. We sometimes fought, didn’t always see eye to eye. Sometimes she would do things or not do things that I just didn’t understand (and I’m sure she could say the same of me). There were periods where we drifted apart for a bit. Still, I loved her and she loved me.

If I’d never met Amanda my life would have been a lot different, and somehow I know a lot less vibrant, and fun. Even who I am as a person has party been shaped by her being in my life for the past 33 years. To have such a person, a presence that seemed larger than life itself, suddenly gone is a hard thing to grapple with.

It’s said people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I always assumed Amanda was here my lifetime, but apparently not. 33 years seems much too short for a season. So Amanda was here for a reason, but that’s not entirely true. I can’t even begin to count all the things I learned from our friendship. I am a better person because I knew Amanda, and I will forever miss her.